Office Life - Can you relate to this?

Is this funny or what?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said, "Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box".

Friends forever!

Pictures stolen from Llanet's Blog

Cash For Clunkers

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

Mexican Words of the Day

Mexican word of the day: Hoochie

My vieja found a girls number on my phone and she yelled 'tell me hoochie is!!!'

Mexican word of the day: Puta

Puta phone down and get back to work!

Mexican word of the day: Sodas

My vieja complains a lot and sodas her sister!!

Mexican word of the day: Tissue

Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me tissue!

Mexican word of the day: Cockatoo

I was in the bathroom when my viejo knocked on the door and said, hurry, I have to Cockatoo!!!

Mexican word of the day: Wheelchair

My homie was downing a cold one and I said, hey where's mine? He says don't worry, wheelchair!

Mexican word of the day: Injure

Me and my homies were playing poker and when I won, I yelled injure face!

Mexican word of the day: Highway

I turned around in bed, looked at my wife and said, highway! Put on some make-up!!

Mexican word of the day: Juarez

My vieja slapped me and I said Juarez your problem?!

Mexican word of the day: Texas
My friend always Texas me dumb jokes!

Blasphemy of the highest order

Someone sent me the e-mail below. Whoever sent it probably thought I would publish it. Although it was meant as a joke, I think it is rather blasphemous and under no circumstances would I publish something that would upset Jews, Christians and Muslims alike. Anyway, I would like to show you the offending e-mail so that you know what kind of stuff I will not use and so that in future you will not send me such material, especially like the one below which does not have the writer’s name attached.

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

NOAH and THE ARK

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Malaysia, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living things along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have six months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

Noah! He roared. I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

First, I need to have a BUMIPUTRA PARTNER who is linked to UMNO. Then I needed a building permit from DBKL and also have to pay under-counter money to get the permit.

Then I've been arguing with the BOMBA inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours complained to The Malay Mail about the height of the Ark I was going to build and the next day it was in the headlines claiming that I've violated the neighbourhood building by-laws because my Ark is going to exceed the height limitations. I appealed to the magistrate and it was approved.

The Opposition then took advantage of the situation and said I was a government crony and they did nasty things with my face in the Internet. I don’t know how they managed to superimpose my face on a naked body with naked MP’s and portrayed it on the YouTube. Oh Lord you are the All Knowing and you know I did not take the photos of the MP.

Then there was another stop-work order even before I could start work. After that the Badan Cegah Rasuah arrested me for pornography.

I talked to a lawyer who looks like Ambitah Bachan -- talks like him, acts like him, but is not him. He said he knows the Chief Justice and the Prime Minister -- the Apa Nama -- and can clear my name but I have to buy them tickets to Australia.

After clearing my name I had to again go to the DBKL Appeal Board for a decision to allow me to build the Ark.

Then the government, after approving the plans, said I must use only SIRIM approved goods and that I must buy from their list of CLASS F Bumiputera contractors and their prices are 15 times more expensive than the Chinaman hardware shop.

Then TNB and JPJ demanded that I post a bond for the future costs of moving power-lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the timber for the Ark was another problem. SUKHAM and the JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA said that there's a ban on the cutting local trees in order to save the Orang Utan.

I tried to convince SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA that I needed the wood to save the Orang Hutan but they said no go.

When I started gathering the animals, JAKIM and an animal rights group sued me. JAKIM said I cannot put the chickens and the pigs next to each other as it WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED HALAL and the animal rights group insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodations were too restrictive and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then JABATAN KERJA RAYA and JABATAN KAJIAN DAN GALIAN ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Environmental Impact Study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Bumiputera contractors I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

JABATAN IMMIGRASI and RELA are checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.

As I started to clear the area to build the Ark, six gangsters came and demanded protection money. They said they will control the area for the selling of drugs and the supply of prostitutes to my workers.

When I complained to the POLIS, the next day the IGP sent an ASP who came in full uniform. Unfortunately he also happens to be one of the six gangsters who were demanding protection money and so he doubled my protection fee.

Then there was a by-election and I was forced to become an UMNO member to get my permits approved and was made to pay a donation by the Barisan Nasional candidate in the so-called spirit of MUHIBBAH. Otherwise they will make life difficult for me.

Every department I turned to is asking what they call “Kopi Wang”.

I calculated that if I paid all the so-called “Kopi Wang” and also give them the donation they ask, the cost to build the Ark will be 20 times higher. But I refused to give them the “Kopi Wang” as I am faithful to you Oh Lord.

Then some top-level politicians became very disappointed with me for not giving them the donations and they started calling me a Murtad. I told them my name is Noah and not Murtad and they got very angry and said they have connections.

Suddenly I became a suspect in the murder of a Mongolian lady because the place where she was murdered happens to be on the land where I am going to build the Ark and I was then arrested.

To make matters worse, the Jabatan HASIL seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. I have just been released from ISA.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, you mean you're not going to destroy the world?

No, said the Lord, the Malaysian Government beat me to it!

Author unknown

You've Got Mail!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?'

To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'

Provided by Ken Y

Cancel your credit card before you die..........

Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died back in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member : "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member : "Do you think God will be mad at her?"


Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member : "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : "I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."


Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank : (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number was given )



After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member : "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member : "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank : "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member<> : "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)


Provided by Catherine H

CDC Warning

Provided by Jerry S

Funnies

道歉信 一對熱戀中的男女，相約去弔祭一位長輩，後來兩人鬧情緒， 出殯那天只有男的去了殯儀館，看不到女的，越想越覺得不對， 就想寫信給女的道歉。誰知女的看了信，更加火大。 你知道這男的是怎麼寫信的嗎?? "親愛的，昨天原本去殯儀館，是想看你，沒想到看不到你，心中好難過..." ******************************************************************* 孝順 父 : 不要一天到晚學人家飆車,讓父母擔心,一點也不知道孝順 子 : 那有,我可是有保險的 父 : 孝順和保險有何關係,別扯開話題 子 : 當然有關係囉,因為受益人是您ㄚ, 我可是一天到晚在製造孝順您的機會呢 父 : 嗯.....,那什麼時候要孝順我ㄚ,我已經等不及了 子 : .........(接不下去了) ****************************************************************** 意外情節 早上七點半。 媽媽：「阿金，快起床，上學要遲到了。」 阿金：「媽，我不要上學。」 媽媽：「你說這什麼話。」 阿金：「我不想上學，學校老師不喜歡我，小朋友討厭我， 連警衛伯伯也不睬我。」 媽媽：「你這死囝仔，快起床啦！都四十幾歲當校長的人了……」 ***************************************************************** 強吻 這天，公司外的清掃婦。 突然有位男性強吻了她就跑走了， 女性便大叫「那個人強吻了我，快抓住他」 路人便衝過去將男性抓住說 小姐，妳要告他嗎？」 女性害羞的說「沒有，我只想告訴他... 我每個星期一、三、五都會來這打掃...」 ***************************************************************** 瞄準 甲婦：「如果妳的老公有外遇，妳會怎麼樣？」 乙婦：「我會睜一隻眼，閉一隻眼。」 甲婦：「喔！妳這麼大方！」 乙婦：「不，我是要用槍瞄準他。」 ***************************************************************** 修理 甲婦：「我家兒子經常弄壞電器，幸好他老爸會修理。」 乙婦：「我家孩子也經常破壞東西，也幸好他爸會修理。」 甲婦：「妳先生也會修理東西？」 乙婦：「不，他會修理孩子。」 ***************************************************************** 保證 錯誤 一對夫婦結婚二十周年，老婆提議殺隻雞慶賀一番。 老公冷冷應道：「何必把二十年前的錯誤算在一隻雞頭上呢？」 ***************************************************************** 比毒 話說我有兩位同事，一男一女，非常喜歡鬥嘴，平常沒事就互"虧"對方。 有一天下班，那女生就請那男的順路載她一程，好不容易我男同事答應了， 於是他們就去牽機車。 到了停放機車的地方，那女的看到那機車又破又爛， 忍不住又"虧"了那男的一句 :「拜託,這麼破又爛的機車還要上鎖~~~~。」 那男的瞪大眼睛看著那女的說 :「那妳幹麼上妝。」 ※PART-２ 一對夫妻在動物園隨著眾人圍著大狒狒。 老婆：『真奇怪，愈難看的動物愈多人看。』 老公：『噓~~！不要叫這麼大聲，大家都在看妳。』 ※PART- 3 某日，一位小姐去買肉圓。 小姐：『老闆，我要兩個小的帶走！』 由於生意好，過了一會兒，老闆怕忙中有錯，於是在下鍋前問： 『小姐，妳那兩粒是小的嗎？』 該小姐臉一紅，恨恨地回了一句：『老闆，你那兩粒才是小的！』

Video Conferencing

Provided by Ken Y

Sick Manager

Provided by Ken Y

This is how you fix the economy...

This is from an article in the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered- Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, then have all members of Congress and their constituents pay their taxes...

Provided by Llanet

Different Prospectives

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her
purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Provided by Catherine

The Engineer at the Golf Course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The new AIG logo

Funny

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously, Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car
ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Courtesy of Lok, my brother.